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New Recruit for the Police!

Who's Sorry Now?

Belfast Earthquake

AT 09:54 ON FRIDAY 25th OCTOBER 2002 A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE

MEASURING 4.8 ON THE RICHTER SCALE EPICENTERED ON BELFAST.

The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately 25 worth of damage, with the exception of the Glenbryn / Ardoyne area, where approx., 400,000 of improvements were made.

Untold disruption and distress was caused:

Many were woken well before their giro arrived

Several priceless collections of mementos from Turkey and Spanish Costas were damaged

Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.

Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering:

"here's me, sumbuddy roll a fu*kin spliff, will the!!?"

"Here mmmmate, gonn gizza fegg an a swig a yer Cider, will ya?".

The cone fell off the head of the statue of King William of Orange outside the Stormont. That of his horse, Buckme, managed to remain on the horse's head, albeit at a bit of a dodgy angle.

Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something other than political nonsense has happened in Belfast

One resident, Gillian Girvan-Taylor-Atkinson, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chelsea-Fairybell came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Shauni slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently though, looting and joyriding did carry on as normal..

The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of

Buckfast Tonic Wine to the area to help the stricken masses.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

Clothing is most sought after.

Items required include: -

* Sovereign rings

* Baseball caps

* Shell suits

* Tesco two stripe trainers

* White socks

* Chunky gold chains

Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same.

Required foodstuffs include: -

* Frozen burgers

* Buckfast

* Deep fried Mars Bars

* Buckfast

* Golden Wonder crisps (Cheese and Onion and Prawn Cocktail preferred)

* Buckfast

* Tripe and Onions

* Buckfast

* Black, White, Fruit or Red Pudding

* Buckfast

* Fray Bentos Pies

* Old English Cider

* Buckfast

* Lard

* Ready-cut Potato Chips

* Lard

* Buckfast

 uys chips, scraps and an 'E' - for a family of four

can take a family to Antrim for the day, where children can sniff glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles.  

22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.

5 buys an "All Day" bus ticket to enable disaster victim travel between the Bru, the Post Office, the Offy, McDonalds, Big W, and Botanic Gardens or Cavehill for the refugees garden party.

Please send your credit card number and a sample signature.

THIS APPEAL IS MADE ON BEHALF OF THE BELFAST EARTHQUAKE VICTIMS

FUND BY THE COLLAPSING EXECUTIVE AND CITY OF BELFAST COUNCIL.

 

 

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Copyright 2001 Ballynahinch Protestant Boys
Last modified: December 28, 2002